12/22/10

Yo Elyssa... my only reader XD
I kept my previous posts awfully apathetic.  I thought people are going to read this, they don't care how I feel they just want to know what happened.... boy I was wrong... People don't even care what happened... I have 3 followers.. one is me XD  I set my blogspot to Japanese which I am still learning and I can't quite figure out what's going on >.<  The second follower is a person who I just randomly followed and they probably felt the need to be nice by following back.  The third follower is probably the only one that reads my posts.  Thank you Elyssa for reading  my posts ^.^
Well since I am not writing to a large audience... I will express some emotion.  I am going to try to blog each day so I can come back in a while and read what happened.... I will write most of what happened... I usually keep my true feelings to myself >.<

Why the sudden change?  You are actually going to be blogging more now?
My mom feels I am a waste of money.  My dreams are irrelevant and impossible.  I might have had a chance if I didn't wear a hijab... You know what mom?  When I didn't wear a hijab you still thought my dream was useless and you said only rich people get to become actors.  I practically didn't exist to you.  When I decided to wear a hijab I existed to you and mattered for a about 2-3 months... What is this? Some immature adolescent dating relationship?  I don't exist anymore.  Do I not matter?  You are never been supportive... you're the reason I doubt myself so much.  You are the reason I am reserved.  You are the reason I act the way I do.  Can't you at least care?  Why'd you keep me around if you are not going to even say a nice word to me?
Yeah sure.  My dream is hopeless.  A waste of time and money.... I am have this useless dream since I was in fourth grade!   What am I supposed to do?!?!?  I have worked hard to practice acting, dancing, and singing all by myself in my room but you yell at me to quiet down.  You let me go to classes in fifth grade thinking, ugh she's been nagging me for a year fine.  Now I ask for classes and you say it's a waste of money we don't have.  I am tired of the money excuse!  Nothing can happen since we have no money.  We can't go on vacation... I am not asking to go to Seattle!  God forbid going to Disney World.  I am asking to just go to some place here in our town that we haven't been to... Like can't we just have a picnic by the river?  Let me guess... you are busy with your three jobs and we don't have time or money to spend on food and gas.  Eat what we have.....  okay... thanks... I'll enjoy tomato paste.. thanks food banks of America.... Your stocks of tomato paste are never ending are they?

Fine.... I have said this to myself so many times:  I can do this by myself then!  If my own mother will only shoot me down I will work hard myself.
All 1,223,775,908 times I have said this to myself I only get strength through the night... why through the night?  I usually have this thought during the night... But when that burning gas ball comes to wake me up in the morning my strength is gone.  I remember my mom doesn't approve.  She doesn't care.

Some people go on with their lives without their parents... well my culture is all about family... It's too hard to let go of myself.... We are raised to believe you only have family... Americans say "friends come and go, but you will always have family"  .... So my friends will leave me and my unsuportive family will ditch me as well... So basically my status as a human being is "non-existant."  YAY


Tomorrow we go and clean the mosque.  We clean it because we need the money.  You know how fun it is to clean chairs, tables and floors for 3 hours straight?  that is my job.  I get to inhale Clorox and whatever else for three hours... who needs Oxygen?  We need money to live not O2. 
What sucks?  We only clean once a month... That's not enough. 

Oh well.  We'll deal.  We manage as a family.  I am just the third wheel.  The red sheep... why red?  There's a community of black sheep building up.